by Gerry Howell

“I’m thinking about becoming a Catholic,” said the actress to the bishop. “Is there any advice you can give me?”

“You can start by reading the Holy Bible,” said the bishop to the actress.

“But it’s so big,” said the actress.

“I know,” said the bishop. “I have a copy of Gideon’s Bible you can borrow if you like. It’s a more digestible read.”

“Thank you,” said the actress. “I tried reading Moby Dick once and it gave me indigestion.”

“You know what’s good for indigestion?” said the bishop to the actress, “cultured yoghurt.”

“You’re so knowledgeable,” said the actress. “Is there anything you don’t know?”

“I don’t know,” said the bishop. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“There is one thing,” said the actress. “Is it true you can only move diagonally?”

“Yes,” said the bishop. “I think you’re going to make an excellent Catholic.”

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Gerry Howell is an actor, writer and comedian. He lives mostly in London, sometimes on the North York Moors.