The Pygmy Giant

by Ashley Sandeman

“So, in my dressing room I want an infinity pool, and a troop of dancing monkeys, and some naked chicks for the pool, and I want a bear playing a harmonica.”

“Do you mean actual chicks? Like baby chickens? Or girls?”

“Girls.”

“Ok. Let me write this. Wait. What happens if one of the monkeys steals the bear’s harmonica, and then the bear decides to eat the monkey, and now there’s monkey blood everywhere, and the monkeys are screaming, and the girls are throwing up in the pool, and no one’s playing harmonica?”

“I definitely want the bear to be able to play Take Five.”

Ok, but – anyway, I think you just have to put up with whatever the bear wants to play. I mean how many harmonica-playing bears can there be?”

“God damn prima donna bears. Ok, forget the bear. Forget the bear and get a shark in the pool instead.”

“Yeah, cos that story has a happier ending.”

Ashley Sandeman is a fiction writer and artist based in the UK. His work has been published in 3AM, Parameter, Pequin, Parasitic, and The Pygmy Giant.