The Pygmy Giant

by Nick Allen

1/12/08

Ho ho ho! I’m feeling in a wonderful mood, and with the economy doing so well I’m going to give every child in Britain an extra toy this year. Will have to recruit some extra Elves to help out though.

3/12/08

The new Elves arrived. Polish they are, and great workers too. Things are really looking up.

4/12/08

The rest of the workforce is moaning about the Polish lads, saying they are losing overtime because of them. So there’s a work-to-rule at my Grotto. Have had to offer the Elves ‘protected pay’ throughout the festive season.

6/12/08

I’ve had a visit from the Immigration Authorities. The Polish lads never got their work permits sorted out. I’ve been ordered to suspend them on full pay until I’ve sorted out the whole mess!

And the Immigration people say they are going to talk to some colleagues back at Whitehall. Oh dear.

8/12/08

The Monopolies Commission visited today, said I’ve broken some rule or other. I have to break up the business and offer it out to fair competition. I’m going to try and hold out till after Christmas, don’t want to spoil things for the kiddies.

9/12/08

Whitehall have obviously marked my card now. The Inland Revenue arrive wanting to check my books. What a cheek, don’t they understand that I’m a charity? I certainly told him!

11/12/08

A representative from The Charities Commission called. Apparently I’m not registered with them. Bugger!

15/12/08

The Health and Safety Executive arrived today. It appears I need to fit fire doors throughout the Grotto, and install two ladies toilets even though I have no female workers, before I can carry on trading. Everyone is suspended on full pay until the work is completed.

16/12/08

Managed to get the doors and toilets installed today. The disabled-access ramp should arrive before Monday with a bit of luck.

18/12/08

10.00am The Commission for Sexual Equality have phoned wanting to know why I have no female employees.

15.00pm The Commission for Racial Equality rang, wanting to know why I only employ Elves.

16.00 pm Rang the Job Centre – two Pixies, three Fairies and a Goblin start first thing in the morning.

19/12/08

The Goblin has nicked my computer. Knew I should have done that CRB check…

22/12/08

A man from DEFRA called and inspected the reindeer. Says they are dangerous animals and I need a licence to keep them. Dangerous my arse!

23/12/08

The VAT inspector called today, Rudolph booted him in the nuts. I’ve been charged with failing to control a dangerous animal.

24/12/08

This is the last straw! The Police arrived and said that giving toys to children I don’t know amounts to ‘grooming’. I have been made to sign The Sex Offenders Register.

Bail has been refused and I will be on remand until my trial next year.

Merry bloody Christmas everybody!

Nick Allen is a 47 year old nurse living and working in Manchester. When not writing, he enjoys walking, scrabble and poker.