by Jenn Ashworth
I am going to follow my boss home in my car. I am going to drive past where she lives and watch her park. Then I am going to drive around the corner and park my own car somewhere secret. I will get out quietly and decorate the car with leaves and litter plucked from the hedges. Then I’ll sneak into her front garden and wait behind a rhododendron until she gets tired and goes upstairs.
When that happens I’ll move quietly and break in. I’m planning to get one of those tools that cut glass out of windows in perfect circles. I’ll take some putty, to replace it after I’m done, of course.
So I’ll get in, and spend some ‘me-time’ in her kitchen, mainly touching things or moving them slightly. I might get carried away and break three wine glasses. I’ll have to do it safely, and silently. I think the best way would be to wrap them in a tea towel and crunch the bulb of the glass under my foot. I’ll put them in the bin afterwards.
I’m hoping I’ll get the chance to walk around downstairs for a while. I’m planning to pull all the leaves from her houseplants and arrange them in circles on her sitting room rug. I’ll hide her car-keys at the bottom of a vase. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to leave a pair of my socks inside the washing machine. If I have time, I’d like to swap all the CDs around in their cases, cut the roses out of the wall paper, open the champagne and keep the cork safe in the cistern of the downstairs loo.
Maybe, after all this time, she’ll be asleep. I hope so, because there are a few other things I wanted to do and I had almost resigned myself to saving these for a second trip. If there’s a hall mirror, I’ll draw a Fire Risk Assessment on it with a lump of butter. I’ll make her a bunch of origami flowers from this month’s figures, and scatter them on the stairway. I’ll fill the pockets of her coat with frozen peas, and pour Brazil nuts into her shoes to the point of over flowing.
I love my boss. I try every day to be a good employee. To demonstrate my ‘commitment’ and my ‘leadership focus’ and my ‘sales index capability’. My boss is amazing.
Jenn Ashworth is a compulsive liar and a collector of cacti.