One day I will move to the seaside and it will be good, and I will sit down by the shore and rest my head on something and feel peaceful…

… and go to sleep listening to the sound of the sea, and maybe never wake up.

by Chris Killen

I am about ten inches tall. I live inside an abandoned bicycle. I work in an office. They had to make me a special chair to sit in at the office. It is like a normal chair but smaller. I don’t have any friends. No one speaks to me. My job is easy. I just sit in the chair. Sometimes I climb up onto the desk and walk along it and onto one of the other desks, where there is an envelope. Then I lick the envelope and seal it. Sometimes there is nothing inside the envelope and the person at the desk has to throw the envelope away, and I feel bad and confused, but they never shout at me. Don’t worry. They never say anything. It is a good job.

I live inside an abandoned bicycle. No one would want to ride it, anyway. It has no saddle. I am incredibly sensitive. Sometimes things like the sound of rain or the feeling of rain touching my body feels very painful and I begin to cry. There is nothing I can do about this. If I want to look at myself, I use a mirror that I have made out of a crisp. Sometimes I think I look very handsome, and want to show my reflection to someone else.

I found the crisp inside the mouth of a cat. I stole the crisp out of the mouth of the cat. The cat chased me and tried to scratch me, but I scared it off by shouting things at it. I shouted rude things, cat-things, things I wouldn’t want to repeat.

When I get home I sometimes take off my suit and put on a dress that I have fashioned from an empty packet of hula hoops. I put the dress on and slink around like a lady and watch myself in the crisp. Sometimes I get an erection, but I am not sure what to do. It makes me feel confused.

Time goes very fast. I am like a dog or a cat in this respect (I think I read that once at work, on the internet, that dogs and cats live seven times faster than normal people).

In my spare time I read books from the library. I like reading novels by John Steinbeck the best. Even the small ones (Of Mice and Men, etc.) are very big for me to hold. Sometimes I crawl in between the pages and wrap them around me and go to sleep in them. Sometimes I wake up and find I have drooled a bit on the page and made a little window through to the next page, and sometimes I put my head through the window and say things to myself.

My days go very quickly.
I will probably die soon.
Don’t worry about me.

This story was written by Chris Killen and “bought” by Sara Crowley for the price of a packet of Hula Hoops. Sara, who decided to submit it, blogs at A Salted where you can read the bizarre tale behind this bizarre tale.

  1. #1 by The Editors on January 23, 2008 - 1:22 pm

    The whole title wouldn’t fit in the title space! Rubbish! Sorry about that, guys.

  2. #2 by angelheadedhipster on January 23, 2008 - 4:31 pm

    not bad at all. ‘cat things’ is sweet…

  3. #3 by Frank Morgan on January 24, 2008 - 12:45 pm

    I enjoyed this story very much – I am a full sized human with a proper job (private detective) I’m going to tell Chris I enjoyed reading these words in the order he put them on the page. I will do that now.


  4. #4 by Capulet on January 24, 2008 - 3:22 pm

    I loved this. Interesting mixture of surrealism, pity and innocence. I especially liked the part where he wraps himself up in a book and falls asleep.

  5. #5 by Petesach on January 27, 2008 - 12:13 am

    I am touched by you little man. One day I will ride your abandoned bicycle to the shore with you in it. I will hold you in the palm of my hand and we will sing.

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